Outside Line: Stefano Domenicali too conservative pimping Formula 1, here are some great ideas

For me, it wasall totally fake. It's anti-racing. It's everything Max Verstappen and Fernando Alonso say, added together. And we've documented their complaints, their grievances and how bad this formula is ad nauseam.

I'm so tired of it that I've actually ramped down on my Outside Line pieces, even spiked a few I had written, because I don't know what to write that's positive about Formula 1 in its current state. So, scratching my head to come up with an idea, I thought, you know what? If you can't beat them, join them.

They're pimping Formula 1 to an extent that's insane. Forget the Lego. There's so much fakery and bullshittery happening in that paddock that the mind boggles. Clearly, influencers and social media people are far more important than real journalists or enthusiasts like us trying to cover the Formula 1 narrative, the greatest sport on the planet. Well, it used to be. But that's negative!

So, with some positivity in mind, I thought, you know, if you're going to pimp something, if you're going to do anything in Formula 1, go big or go home. 

We've had some fun with Lego, and they've obviously sold many Lego sets or whatever the case may be. That's no issue. That's small fry, as far as I'm concerned. Smart marketing

But there's a lot more you can do, and I just think it's not being done because they don't have a creative mind like mine to actually take the merchandising of Formula One and pimp it to a level we've never seen before.

Why hesitate? Let's go full-blown. With that in mind, I have some suggestions for Formula 1 to ditch the conservatism and really take pimping F1 to another level.

First of all, the success of Lego, the interactivity of it, with the increasingly demeaned Formula 1 drivers getting into them, driving and crashing them, and doing whatever they were supposed to be doing. It all triggered an idea.

Half a century ago, Formula 1 was groundbreaking in terms of sponsorship. Tobacco was in there big time. Even prophylactics, condoms, in the form of Durex. And the Durex company is still going big, and I'm sure it's booming these days.

Let's get them involved. Think about it. Think about the promotional opportunities. First of all, you're doing a great thing. You're promoting condoms, aka safe sex, and all the good stuff that comes with that. Keeping the population in check, preventing diseases and all that kind of stuff. Boom, tick the feelgood box.

Furthermore, you could do some really crazy promotional stuff. For instance, during the F1 drivers' parade, they could dress up as condoms and go to an autograph session. It'd be so lovely.

Just imagine all drivers wearing a giant condom in team colours, a Red Bull condom or a Ferrari condom. It would be beautiful. It would just be insane. People would love it. It would get so many clicks. It would be fantastic.

Another one that could work is an airline. Maybe you want Ryanair or EasyJet, something slightly more downmarket, but also more people's airline because you don't want exclusivity or quality for Formula 1. Mass market here we come!

So, how do you promote that? It's flying, right? So you get human cannons. I've seen them in circuses and fairs. Get those in the colours of the cars. Get the driver in his helmet and full race suit - everything. Shoot him into the crowd with a backpack filled with merch.

When he lands, the driver can be in the crowd doing the social media stuff. They can engage with him. He can give them merch, and boom, you shoot him back to the other side. Think about it, it would be amazing. 

Imagine the clicks. Imagine the photo-ops you could get. You could even put team principals in there. Imagine Toto Wolff dressed in Mercedes merchandise with a backpack full of caps, or Zak Brown or Fred Vasseur. Epic! Boom! Shot (safely) straight into the main grandstand at Silverstone for some hands on interaction. Simply lovely.

You could reference the benchmark pimp, take a leaf out of Donald Trump's book and go the whole hog. Mugs, caps, Formula 1 bibles in the colours of your favourite team, elegantly done in leather, maybe with the team badge discreetly in the middle. That would be beautiful too. It would sell a lot, I'm sure.

You could even get some gun sponsorship. That would be very cool. Again, you could use the cannon. You could dress the drivers in their team race suits, with Velcro, and then shoot them against a Velcro target. 

The thing is to interactively use the drivers as much as possible, just to make them look like idiots, because who cares? They are not heroes, they do not have god given talents, they are like you and me. They're just Formula 1 drivers, if this is not what they signed up for then they must go

And, of course, toys. I mean, you can make so many toys. It would be crazy. You can have little dolls, little Kimi Antonelli dolls. You can have collectible dolls. Maybe have limited release of Yuki Tsunoda dolls. Different little outfits for each driver, maybe a line of Barbie Boys

Get the Smurfs involved, the drivers could dress up as different Smurfs. That would be very, very nice, especially for the younger children; the ones who chew the remote while their parents are watching Formula 1. Those kids would really love a Smurf gig injected into a Grand Prix weekend.  Endless possibilities.

The Lego promo is amazing, but they are not going all out with possibilities that they open up at a time when few are taking this new era formula very seriously. What about a promotion like this? Lego sets the grid.

You don't have qualifying with the real F1 cars. You have one hour of Lego quality around the track; that would be great fun, great visuals and offering backmarkers a chance to start higher up the grid than normal. 

It gives everyone a chance. Aston Martin, for instance, could be at the front. Lance and Fernando might even say, "Listen, can we drive this Lego car in the real race? Because it might be even faster than the piece of shit they're driving at the moment."

Jokes aside, that would be interesting because it would open things. It would make it a bit more random, so it wouldn't always be the fastest guys and the best cars at the front of the grid. It could be anyone on the pole. That would be such fun!

I think that would add a new dimension. Maybe do it for the Sprint races. The Sprint races have the novelty factor, and that would be delightful. Just imagine all sprint grids being decided by Lego car qualifying. That would be amazing. Imagine the exposure!

Maybe they even ditch these current Formula 1 shitboxes (yes, the real ones) and finish the season driving the Lego cars. Imagine how much they would save. No downside really.

I take back what I have been writing so often about the negatives in Formula 1, over 50 years of following the sport. I think there are some very, very positive things that can be said about Formula 1. The opportunities that pimping it to the max allows us are actually refreshing. Finally, I can find meaning to it all.

I think it's very conservative and narrow-minded of me to want real Formula 1 back. You know, slipstreaming, big brakes, bigger balls, the fastest car wins, that kind of stuff. It's irrelevant. That wasn't a show. You know what I mean?

I lived through the Senna-Prost era. It was horrible. It was so boring. Seriously, the two of them fighting it out and lapping the whole field. What was that all about? How did that keep me addicted?

They say the 1980s and 1990s were the greatest eras of Formula 1. No, there were no Lego cars! And lovely pop-up tracks. Only boring places like Monza, Silverstone, Nürburgring, Spa-Francorchamps, etc. Shit holes that killed too many of my heroes. They're mostly hard to get to and inconvenient to set up VIP areas, Fan Zones, Kiddie Krap, merch stores, and junk food vans. These pop-ups like Miami, Las Vegas, and MADRING – that's what we crave.

Think about this: do you know how much Ayrton Senna would have loved to be in a Lego car? Or Alain Prost or Nigel Mansell, Gilles Villeneuve, Michael Schumacher, for instance? They'd have loved it. I'm sure that when the great drivers (and not-so-greats) of Formula 1, who are still with us watch the telly, they must shed a tear or two of resentment. How they missed out.

How they must wish they could've had such Lego fun in those dark ages of motorsport. How they must lament the absence of influencers, social media gurus, and sponsor sessions during their time in Formula 1. How they must wish they could play silly games for clicks. Spending less and less time on track and more and more time in the circus ring. 

I'm going to put it out there. I think Formula 1 pimping has been too self-controlled, too humble with pimping the sport. There are far more opportunities. Imagine if we got into a think tank with Pimp in Chief Stefano Domenicali and all his junior pimps. We would go ballistic. It would be insane what we could do if they added me to the team as a consultant.

Nudge, nudge, Formula 1 HR department; pay attention. I have so much more we can discuss if you agree to an NDA on my ideas that are sure to shock and awe way beyond Formula 1 fans. Tap me up for the Assistant Pimp position when it arises.

Concerned fans might rightfully ask: What about the racing? Agreed it is an inconvenience. Too much of it. I'd answer: We are working on reducing that because the industry knows, of course, too much track time for drivers equates to fewer merch sales.

With that, I can close by saying that I was very depressed earlier this week about the state of Formula 1. Lacking the excitement and motivation that have been so familiar to me for so many years following this sport.

I didn't even know that we were going to Spa-Francorchamps when I penned a negative Outside Line at the start of the week, but thanks to this overnight epiphany, I can't wait to test my resolve as I am gushing with positive vibes ahead of this weekend.

Bring Spa-Francorchamps. Bring the Lego cars. Bring all the 'amazing' stuff that makes modern Formula 1 so fake and gay , in the true sense of the word, because we need more gayness in this war-ravaged world.

We need more happiness, and Formula 1 has to be pimped properly for that to happen. We don't do things by half measures. Come on Stefano, add me to your pimping roster. Let's go.

To the Formula 1 fans out there who felt like I did earlier this week about our sport, those that literally hate this generation of cars, get a grip on yourselves! Wake up and smell the food stalls in the paddock, and get on board with pimping the sport we love. And if you don't still like it, STFU and buy the merch!