Pimp My Formula 1: Goodbye old guard, silly teamwork, penalise Antonelli and more great ideas

While I await the FOM HR department to reach out to me, I can use this platform to state my case and provide reports for Chief Stefano and his pimping minions to consider. My brain is storming with ideas to pimp modern Formula 1. Here goes, my 'pearls of wisdom' after Belgian Grand Prix Qualifying.

I was gushing in awe after watching castrated Formula 1 cars in action during qualifying for the Belgian Grand Prix on Saturday. What a beautiful sight it was to behold, with cars circulating four to five seconds a lap slower than they did last year at the same venue. At some points, I was not sure if they were showing the cars in slo-mo. But who cares?

Please consider my observations on Belgian Grand Prix qualifying: how we missed a trick or two so far this weekend at Spa. However, there were positives and negatives which I address below.

Although the lap times around Spa-Francorchamps on Saturday were 4-5 seconds slower this year than in 2026.  What's the problem? I only see the positives in that. First of all, the cars were going too fast anyway. Who wants very fast Formula 1 cars? Very fast anything, actually. It’s dangerous. Therefore, in the name of safety, we scored a victory by making these cars slower. So, slow is good. Move on.

Regarding pole winner Kimi Antonelli, I was very disturbed, and I think he should receive a fine or reprimand, and perhaps even have points taken off his licence, for the manner in which he so callously did not wear a cap during the photo opportunity after he had claimed pole position.

Drivers are obliged to wear their caps. I just find it an absolute dampener on his fine achievement. Ignoring one of the protocols that we in Formula 1 marketing cherish, running around like blue-arsed flies to make sure the drivers have the right-sized caps.

But on the positive side, Kimi Antonelli is only 19 years old, and he shows that Formula 1 doesn’t need old drivers. You can go a step further. Arvid Lindblad, who is fantastic, is 18. He’s the youngest guy on the grid. He was sensational.

Unrelated sidebar: While we are on about old tatty Spa... Let's get our marketing pimp to convince them to rebrand the name, SPAR-Francorchamps, so we can build a giant SPAR at the hairpin, some fake marinas and make it more like Miami. Old school isn't cool.

Old drivers just complain. Look at Fernando Alonso. He just complains, complains, complains. Max Verstappen is going to become like Fernando. Also just complains, complains, complains. The more they earn, the more they complain.

Remember last year how much Lewis Hamilton was earning? Forty-five million. Now he’s grateful because he’s got a better car. But the whole of last year he moaned like a stuck record. Negative headlines. Not a good look.

So, having said that, why doesn’t Formula 1 have an age restriction? You can’t be older than 21. Once you hit 21, you’ve got to go to the World Endurance Championship, or IndyCar, NASCAR, Formula E, or Rally. Anything; just get the hell out of Dodge, old man.

Then you won’t have all these guys moaning. Just have happy young guys like Kimi and Arvid, with iron-clad NDAs, to keep on smiling and pimping merch. Driving is a byproduct.

I think Formula 1 is missing a trick there. Imagine the wages you could save. Arvid is probably not even earning a million bucks. In stark and alarming contrast, Alonso is earning north of 35 million bucks. All he does is moan, moan, moan.

Another thing I think we should stamp out is teamwork. What Isack Hadjar did for Verstappen in Qualifying, to me, is almost like cheating. First of all, it was extremely dangerous, extremely callous, and Hadjar was simply sacrificed for Verstappen.

Sure, Isack going to drop to the back of the grid to start the race because of all the penalties, but at least he could have tried to set a better lap than Max. You look at the time sheets; he didn’t record a lap time in Q3. I find that terrible. Drivers helping each other in this manner makes it so unfair.

On another more troubling note, I resent the absence of Lego karts this weekend. I was really looking forward to seeing whether those karts made it up the hill and whether, in fact, adn wondering if they were faster than the Aston Martin.

So far at Spa, we’ve got no Lego exposure. I’m very disappointed. I think we’ve got to find a way of injecting LEGO into the race weekends as much as possible. Don't overdose us with real Formula 1 action.

In closing this first contribution to the pimpin' cause, please Boss, tell your FOM HR department that I’m still waiting for them to make contact, so they might consider me for a role in your esteemed organisation on the basis of my insights, observations and suggestions?

Thank you for your attention to this matter.