Parc Ferme: Formula 1 runs lawless in Lusail

Failing to stop and think before changing a circuit, in other words the circuit followed the directives of its governing body, inserting gravel in some places and widening the track in others to compensate for the driver’s inability to stay within it. The gravel did its job and is to be applauded.

The widening of the circuit, not so. This poorly thought-through idea resulted in faster lap times, higher G-forces, and even more “dirty air.” This, in turn, created an impossible situation for both qualifying and cars closely following other cars—you know, as in racing. Whoever was leading on lap four had the win…

Concerns over the unnatural departure from the FIA by former F1 Race Director Neils Wittich bore fruit in Qatar around lap 30-ish when a Williams mirror became deposited on the main straight. VSC or SC on this occasion was a no-brainer.

However, for some reason, Race Control did not appear to be controlling. The screen went from yellow flag to green flag and back repeatedly for a number of seconds before Valtteri Bottas forced the race director's hand by turning the offending item into a shower of sharp carbon fibre debris.

This precipitated another massive piece of judicial maleficence: Lando Norris was awarded a stop-go penalty for not lifting under a yellow, or was it green at the time?

This type of penalty is a favourite bolt-hole for stewards when they're in an 'I don’t know what to do bind' as it is unappealable. Something Red Bull’s Jonathan Wheatley would have whispered in their ear when lodging the complaint.

Racing with intent not to compete was the order of the day. Leading the race from the get-go was crucial for the win in Qatar. The clean air at the front would pay dividends in grip and tire degradation. However, pole-sitter George Russell, after an unenthusiastic start, put up the defence of a damp lettuce into Turn 1.

This allowed Max Verstappen to come through without so much as a banged wheel. In fact, so limp was his effort that even Lando Norris sent it in, leaving Mercedes’ ostensive number 1 demoted to third before he’d even reached Turn 3.

Parc Ferme suspects that his crime of the previous day may have had some bearing on the matter. Chief Sneak Russell had drawn the steward's attention to Verstappen’s speed following his qualifying run. Having bleated that he had also impeded him, the wise men awarded the Dutchman a one-place grid penalty.

I assume this was a reference to the lesser-known regulation of knowingly impeding a driver who wasn’t doing anything anyway? Either way, Max made clear his position. Eagles may fly, but weasels don’t get caught in jet engines. But they can get put in the hedge by a world champion who’s already sealed the title. I guess Russell didn’t want to cross swords here.

And finally from Qatar, a couple of blokes impersonating an F1 race driver... badly. Step-up Sergio Perez and Lance Stroll who have been at this thing for some time, although, to be fair to Stroll, he has given his teammate a run for his money on rare occasions. Perez, however, with nowhere to hide was missing in action again.

Apparently, “a massive over-delivery from the engine” put him into a spin. Translated, he ran out of talent. With his finishing position regularly inverse to that of his teammate in the “sameish” kit, the situation has become untenable.

Red Bull boss Christian Horner has already signalled he is going to be doing time,” watching in the grandstand next year. The Mexican continually points to his contract; however, in F1, they're just a piece of paper…