Parc Ferme: Bortoleto wins the battle of the noobs

The super-fast, blustery Albert Park track, with barriers in close proximity, would leave no latitude for error. However, the rain on race day made avoiding the gravitational pull of its walls even more difficult.

None of them escaped the weekend unscathed.

On the surface, it looked like Kimi Antonelli came out on top with his fourth-place finish. This flattered to deceive, baring Liam Lawson, he was consistently half a second a lap adrift of his teammate. He then duffed up his floor in Q1 to ensure his exit in what was probably the second-best “driveable car” on the grid.

Team Principal - Toto Wolff, was quick to come to his defense offering up a plethora of excuses. Apparently, his suit didn't come back from the cleaners or something.

Either way, he was at pains to point out his young charge wasn’t “monkeying it up” Monza style. To be fair, the eighteen-year-old showed up for the race, keeping it out of the wall, just!

However, the positions he made up were pretty much down to others falling off. Much like Niko Hulkenberg in seventh!

Next up is Isack Hadjar and Jack Doohan. Both drivers were quicker than Antonelli, relative to their teammates; Hadjar managing to stay within a couple of tenths of Yuki Tsunoda, and in a car that looked competitive in the mid-field.

Then it happened! The most emotional driver on the grid then acted out the ultimate F1 first race nightmare – binning it on the formation lap. Inconsolable as he walked back to the pits, Anthony Hamilton stepped up to perform the “Dad” duties and remind him there were another twenty-two races to go.

Fortunately, since the Good Doctor's comment about his distress being “embarrassing” was neither necessary nor constructive. Luckily, Carlos Sainz put it all into perspective seconds later.

On the other hand, Jack Doohan waited for the race to start before taking an early shower. Parc Ferme expected him to struggle this weekend, especially under the immense pressure from “Don Flavio” and the media.

Sometimes, it feels good to be wrong. Despite his trip to the wall, Doohan was the second-best-performing new guy of the weekend. The young Australian was consistently within a tenth of Pierre Gasly all weekend and was shy of a few hundred in Q2! Hey Flavio, you see that?

The bottom of the pile has to be shared with the formerly mentioned Lawson and Ollie Bearman. Both left Albert Park clutching the wooden gas pedal.

Lawson sat squarely in Sergio Perez land throughout the weekend – around a second adrift from Max Verstappen!

We didn’t expect this deficit, and I’m sure neither did he. Like many of the others, he ended up with his car in multiple pieces before the chequered flag.

Meanwhile, Bearman consistently found the wall leading up to the race that we were unable to make a value judgement on his pace to Esteban Ocon. To his credit, apart from Antonelli, he was the only noob to finish the race, albeit at the back.

If the Good Doctor has a hat, he should be eating it after last weekend. By far, the best-performing driver - especially against his picks, was Gabrielle Bortoletto.

It’s no secret Parc Ferme is a fan of this driver and was astonished when he suggested he was a grade B driver. He should listen more to Max, who commented last season that he could not understand why he had not been signed!

Bortoletto was faster than his teammate in two out of the three practice sessions and then out-qualified him, putting a Sauber into Q2! Sure, he fell off in the race, battling Lawson, but as a consultation to him and all the others, so did a third of the grid, including Fernando Alonso and Sainz.

Let see what happens in China, vamos Gabrielle!