Parc Ferme: F1 Half Term Report Part 3

Felipe Massa plans to litigate against F1 et al, over being robbed of the 2008 World Championship. Ironically, it was Lewis Hamilton who was the recipient of the alleged stolen goods, with the suggestion that they were fenced by the then F1 ringmasters: Bernie Ecclestone - boss of FOM, and his sidekick, Max Mosely – Chairman of the FIA.

This supposed “blag” was Initially blamed on Timo Glock slowing four corners from the chequered flag, in final race of the season, allowing Sebastien Vettel and Hamilton to pass him. This subsequently promoted the then McLaren driver into fifth place, securing the F1 World Championship by a last gasp one point!

However, this is not the source of the litigation. Instead, his lawyers are targeting an earlier incident in the season – “Crashgate”. Where Nelson Piquet Jr. stuck his car in the wall on the orders of his team boss, Flavio Briatore. The subsequent action was deemed to have allowed Fernando Alonso to win the race and, in the process, deprive the Brazilian of vital points. Points that would have negated Hamilton's fifth-place finish in Brazil and made Felipe the 2008 F1 World Champion instead.

Unfortunately for Massa, the truth of “crashgate” was not exposed until 2009. As FIA did not revise results "after the event", there was no change to the 2008 driver standings. However, that precedent kind of moved following the 2023 Austrian Grand Prix! Possibly this, combined with a rare Freudian slip by Bernie earlier in March changed things. Apparently he was quoted as saying he and Max Mosely were aware at the time of Piquet the younger’s purposeful trip to the wall but decided not to investigate. Interesting, I thought it was only the FIA's remit to make decision on these matters?

Regardless, I would urge the likeable Brazilian to cease and desist from such an inadvisable course of action. Only one of the presumed defendants has successfully defied the Grim Reaper, together with Courts, Governments and even the EEC in legal matters. As for the other, well, Felipe’s lawyers will need an Ouija board to get anything out of him. If Massa was a patient and I were a doctor, I’d be telling him the prognosis for success is not good.

Back to the report, and arguably, the most vanilla performance of the season has to go to Alfa Romeo. With very little to do other than keep the lights on until they are rebadged as Audi, I think they’re doing a fair job. No one would criticise them if they were languishing at the very bottom of the Constructors table, but AlphaTauri currently wears that crown. With three times the number of points over the Red Bull B Team and only 2 points shy of the next two places, they’re looking good for swerving the wooden spoon.

Considering they’re in a holding pattern for 2025, Zhou Guanyu and Valtteri Bottas are delivering. However, I have to mark the team down on presentation; why? Because Bottas looks more like a 70s Porn Star than a 2023 race driver these days. Whoever told him that a mullet haircut and moustache would be a good look is no friend. And before the haters start hating, Hamilton gets a free-ish pass as he’s an eight-time F1 World Champion…. See what I did there 😉

Last but not bottom is Haas. Piloted by Kevin Magnussen and Nico Hulkenberg, the VF23 has been delivering a gravity-defying performance. Led by the accidental celebrity Guenther Steiner, the man who put the “s” in Tourette’s but also the “t” in tenacity.

Unsurprisingly, the Haas team is a reflection of their leader, and they remain a constant threat to the mid-field order, particularly in the shape of Hulkenberg. “Super Sub” has proved he’s more than that appellation, receiving lofty praise as the “best qualifier I’ve ever known” from his boss. Chapeau Nico, we wouldn’t necessarily disagree! And with upgrades for the Dutch Grand Prix, maybe Team Haas can grab a few more skins to add to their total as the season resumes!