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Inside Line: Forgive me father for I have simmed

Confession tapes that dropped into the office mailbox. Get the picture: a local church; a priest in the booth with parishioner coming in to have confession heard.

Daniel Abt: Forgive me father for I have simmed…
Priest: Please do tell Daniel.
Daniel: For the recent virtual Formula E ePrix, I got my mate and professional e-sports racing driver Lorenz Hörzing to race on my behalf…
Priest: You mean: pretend to be you and race on your behalf?
Daniel: Yes.
Priest: And?
Daniel: I got a 10,000 euro fine and looks like I am going to lose my Audi drive I have worked so hard for. I have apologised but this is serious and career-destroying. I am afraid I have also offended Him.
Priest: No my son, He is not prejudiced and He has special sympathy for very stupid people. So you are in good hands with Him because he is forgiving. But Audi, I cannot help you with.
Daniel: What should I do now?
Priest: Your silly ploy to cheat your rivals and the embarrassment etc etc it has caused you is normally enough punishment but, in this instance of your extreme lack of intelligence, to stay in His Good Books, say a dozen Our Fathers and the same number of Hail Marys and…
Daniel: And what?
Priest: …get a job flipping burgers.

At another church, in another part of the world:

Kyle Larson: Forgive me father for I have simmed…
Priest: And what is it this time Kyle?
Kyle: I said the en-word…
Priest: Yeah, I was expecting you. I know it’s all over the news. The whole world knows. How did you let that slip?
Kyle: I thought I was offline and said the en-word thinking my mike was turned off.
Priest: You could have said: darn, friggin, fuck, shit, you could have had the pick of the cuss words but, no, you go and spew the en-word, on national TV???
Kyle: What can I do father?
Priest: No much son, you can say all the Hail Marys and Lord’s prayers you want but this is never going away. You will always be the guy who torpedoed his racing career using the en-word during a silly racing video game which you should never play again.
Kyle: But father, what about Him?
Priest: Obviously disappointed for you, but he is okay with very, very stupid people as well. So you are in good hands. A dozen Hail Marys and Our Fathers will keep Him happy, and but as far as your future in racing goes…
Kyle: Yes father, what can I do?
Priest: …get a job flipping burgers.

At a church somewhere in Berlin

Paul Velasco: Forgive me father for I have simmed…
Priest: Long time no see Paul, what’s up?
Paul: Benn really busy and as a result, I feel bad about shifting my attention from grandprix247.com to simrace247.com
Priest: Explain yourself, son…
Paul: Well, with lockdown there is very little F1 news to report on a daily basis on grandprix247. Editor Ben Stevens is more than capable of sourcing and publishing for our readers. Thus we decided to start a new simrace247.com website to report the virtual stuff.
Priest: And the problem is?
Paul: I am conflicted father, I feel I have abandoned my first love and upset Him…
Priest: Son, this is not a big sin and in the good book there is the parable of the Prodigal Son, read that and do a dozen hail Marys and a couple of our Fathers.
Paul: Seriously, and then can I stop feeling guilty?
Priest: Until lockdown is over, then you will take stock. But remember you are born Catholic so guilt is part of the package.
Paul: Okay I get it, so is that it?
Priest: For Him yes, but after this let’s go for lunch and have a nice big burger somewhere…